仁顯皇后的男人 Queen In-Hyun’s Man

another kdrama recommended by gsjs.  pretty good but a little ridiculous at the end, though I won’t lie about loving cheesy Hollywood-esque happy endings.  loved the blend of the light-hearted and the traumatic elements, and most of all, the time traveling theme.  nothing’s as romantic as 邂逅ing somebody from a completely separate time and space.  the accidental encounter, helplessly falling for somebody whom you know you might not have a future with, leaving behind everything you knew for somebody whom you have limited knowledge of, and then having to pay the price of changing the history with the memory shared by loved ones.  is it more unbearable to remember or to choose to forget.  whatever rhetorical question that was.  it’ll make more sense if you’ve seen the drama I promise :)

說半天到底我還是很愛亂思考的浪漫女孩.  不想再愛這種話是騙人的.  an elder  asked me at dinner today, whether I’m a positive person or a negative person.  I’ve been pretty positive recently about everything, whether it’s my future plan or my daily routine.  so I said I’m a positive person.  then I thought, for the past couple of months, I’ve been quite indifferent at times, just a few months ago I was in grief about someone, and half a year ago, I tried hard to be indifferent so that I can control my emotions better.  on average, I’m pretty neutral.  so I said most of the time, I’m neither positive nor negative.  then he said “ohhh that’s terrible; that’s just sad.  please try to be positive.  it’s inevitable to be negative at times, but if you’re neutral all the time, what’s the point in life? you lose the opportunity to feel happy again.  it’s like you get hurt once, and decided that you’ll never love again.”  唉 =_=  

this is not just about love, it’s about an attitude towards everything in life. 

to emerse yourself in frustration is too unbearable, sometimes I just block out the negative feelings and that’s how I stay sane.  the result, though, is that I block out the positive feelings too.  平平淡淡好阿  至少不用聽到吵架聲的時候就想尖叫丟東西.  it turned out that I couldn’t selectively ignore just the bad things in my life.  I ended up feeling, and thus, caring a little less about everything.  the truth is, though, that I go in and out of caring and not caring, 到底還是在乎阿.  所以人生就是不能怕受傷 是吧?  幸福是需要代價的 不然就不是幸福了.

Laying eyes on things you don’t have

On the positive side, that’s how dreams are made, how goals are accomplished.
On the darker end, that’s how regret, jealousy, greed, competition, and aggression arise.

But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing (James 1:4).
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Jessie J - Who You Are (Twz Cover)

2013-01-14
“I often find myself fighting hard for freedom”

Love the weather today— a cold sunny day is my favorite. It keeps me awake and happy. I went through a lot of lows in the past 2-3 years it’s finally feeling like I’m reaching the other side of the tunnel. Everything’s starting to become more tangible— everything that I’ve kept only in my imagination. From now on, nothing is impossible. Like a friend once jokingly said to me when I punched him in the abs, “I’m invincible.” XD yes.

Note: Learn to always consider the positive side of things in life; allow myself some space for failure because isn’t life just a series of trial and error

The truth about my hair. I didn’t fully embrace it until I went to Smith College, where I learned to comfortably let it fly in all direction and truly be myself, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. God designed each one of us exactly the way He intended. Embrace every part of you with self respect, love and confidence.
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The truth about my hair.
I didn’t fully embrace it until I went to Smith College, where I learned to comfortably let it fly in all direction and truly be myself, not just physically, but also mentally and emotionally. God designed each one of us exactly the way He intended. Embrace every part of you with self respect, love and confidence.

I have a problem with gender norms

I would flip when someone just flat out assumes that I’m making a certain decision based on my boyfriend’s decision. Or that I want to stay near a certain city because that’s where my boyfriend is. Or that I’m doing whatever I’m doing to accommodate my boyfriend. To me, that’s a sign of weakness and dependance and I hate to be that type of girl.

These days women don’t have to depend on men to survive. A woman can do whatever she is capable of and not having to rely on a man financially. A woman can pursue her own dreams if she wants to. I have a serious issue with people not recognizing that, and maybe that is a sign of insecurity: that people won’t always see what I’m capable of, and that people would assume things about me because I’m a woman. Call it an unhealthy anger towards the society I live in. Yes, I am 憤世嫉俗。

I have a problem with conforming to the society’s norm, but what’s conflicting is that I think I’m exactly the type of girl whose nature is to conform more than to rebel, partly because I was born an introvert. I try really hard to not care about the norm, and to not care about how random people view me. As a result, I slowly molded myself into a slightly more outgoing person, then realized that this result in itself is a type of conformity. Maybe.

Hmm…

2013 Resolutions

Well-being
  1. Let go of regrets
  2. Live in the presence
  3. Stay in touch with friends
  4. Exercise more patience for family
  5. Forgive
  6. Chase dreams, follow passion

Habits

  1. Sleep earlier [before 12am], wake up happier
  2. BBC news daily
  3. Write weekly

Little goals

  1. Read more than 1 book!
  2. Travel somewhere I’ve never been

Moving On

I desperately need a closure to many things that I’ve been holding onto since 2010 December, whether it be some of my past friendships, former career preference, childhood, college life, or my early 20’s mentality.  I am not the same person today, whether I like it or not, and I’m no longer in the same space in time.  I need to move on from all this nostalgia, and to let go of things that are preventing me from maturing into someone more confident, free, and renewed.  I want to be renewed, at least I thought I did, but deep down, part of me is still grabbing on very tightly.  I wanted to be free of someone, but didn’t realize until now that that “someone” is precisely my own self.  

Much regret played into this nostalgia.  I had a great time in college but I keep thinking what I could’ve done so that it would’ve turned out better.  I still hold a grudge against myself, 跟自己過不去.  There are so many things that I felt I have done incorrectly, but too bad, there’s no turning back now. 

As 2012 is coming to an end, I’m grateful for the people whom I’ve grown into become close friends with, but also counting the number of friends whom I’ve lost contact with.  I’m grateful for where I ended up working for the past two years, even though sometimes I’m not completely content.  OK, I’ll be honest, I’m not content most half of the time.  No, we shouldn’t regret and dwell on the past, but I can’t help it.  It is normal to feel sad that some of us have lost our common 默契 and we’ve gradually run out of things to talk about over the course of a few years.  It is normal to feel like a failure when you decide to give up on medical school after thinking for the past 5-6 years that that’s what you want to do for the rest of your life.  When your effort doesn’t quite match the outcome.  But somehow, letting go doesn’t always mean it’s game over, at least, that’s what I’d like to think.  It’s a new beginning.  Better be optimistic than not, …right? :)

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